


Describe, But Not Define

by Sand_wolf579



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Mental Health Issues, Past Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychopathology & Sociopathy, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2019-09-12
Packaged: 2020-10-16 22:28:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20610383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sand_wolf579/pseuds/Sand_wolf579
Summary: After all they'd lived through, Rafael believed that he and his friends could all benefit from talking to a psychiatrist.  Valon DIdn't think it would help very much.  After all, what could a doctor possibly figure out about him that he didn't already know about himself?





	Describe, But Not Define

**Author's Note:**

> This was a bit of an experiment for me. I'm planning on writing a story in the future which basically rewrites season 4, changing things up a bit. Try to fix some plot holes, elaborate on some things, completely eliminate other things that weren't necessary. One thing that me and my sister (who is my partner in crime for this) thought should be added was what exactly the Orichalcos represents. At first we thought it could be a metaphor for depression, because of the people who use the seal, but how would that work for Valon? He really doesn't seem the least bit depressed. Eventually we decided that the Orichalcos is more than just depression, it's mental illness in general. Depression for some, PTSD for others, but still the question came up, what about Valon?
> 
> I thought carefully about this, and I think that I found something that actually makes sense. So this is me tipping my toe into the waters of my new headcanon, to see how well it works (writing it felt completely natural, but I won't know how well it works until I get your guys' feedback).
> 
> Also, prepare for some creative liberties that I took for the diagnosis process.

Valon huffed and leaned back in his chair, bringing the front two legs off the floor so he was leaning on just the back two. Valon balanced like this for a moment before Alister elbowed him harshly in the ribs, prompting him to set the chair down again. Valon glared at Alister and opened his mouth to give him a biting complaint, but then he saw Rafael's seething stare from across him. Rafael would clearly _not _be happy if Valon made a scene here and now, and Valon really didn't want to be on Raph's bad side, not today.

Valon groaned crossed his arms, though he almost immediately flinched and uncrossed them again. Feeling his arms across his chest felt restricting in a familiar way that he really didn't want to think about right now. It had been years since Valon had gotten out of that prison, and while he was there he had only been locked in solitary confinement for a week...or maybe just a few days. Honestly, it had been impossible to keep track of passing time while he'd been there. What had made things even worse though was the straight jacket that they'd forced him into.

Sometimes, Valon couldn't shake the phantom-like feeling that he was back in that place, wearing that...that _thing._ Usually when Valon felt like this he went out on a ride on his motorcycle. Nothing made him feel better more than the rush of racing at breakneck speeds that most people were too terrified to even think about.

Valon's every instinct had him itching to get out of here and hop on his motorcycle, but he couldn't leave. Raph was passionate and very serious about dragging Valon and Alister here, and he wasn't going to let either of them leave that easily...And Raph had stolen his keys, so he couldn't go _anywhere._

"Alister?" Valon looked up when he heard his companion being addressed. He looked up to see someone standing in front of Alister, a _way _too cheerful and extremely fake expression on their face. "I'm ready to see you now, if you would follow me,"

Alister sighed and stood up. He looked about as happy to be here as Valon was. He was just not as vocal about it. Raph gave Alister a small warning look. "Remember what I said."

"Be honest and answer everything they ask," Alister repeated tiredly, and Valon was able to word it right along with him. Rafael had given them these very instructions all week. "I know. You haven't let us forget it," With those lovely parting words, Alister walked off, probably never to be seen again.

"'Twas nice knowin' you, chum," Valon said. Alister completely ignored him, though Raph didn't seem amused by his attempt to make light of this whole situation. Valon shrugged and put on an innocent face when he saw Raph's light glare. "What?"

"Alright, tell me what's on your mind," Rafael got up from where he was sitting and took the seat that Alister had just left, right next to Valon. "Get this whole attitude out of your system before you see the psychiatrist."

With Alister not there to hit him, Valon leaned back. Rafael raised his eyebrows at his behavior, but didn't rebuke him. Hey, Raph had _told _him to get his attitude out of his system, and how else was he supposed to do that then by embracing it? "I still don't know what we're doing here. Why we gotta be psychologized anyways? What, you think we're crazy? That we should be thrown in the loony bin?" Valon knew he had what other people called 'issues', and Alister did too, but that shouldn't mean that they deserve to be locked away from society, or be shoved into those..._things._

"That is _not _why you're here," Rafael said somewhat sharply before he sighed and seemed to let his anger slip right out of him. Valon didn't know how he felt about that. Ever since they'd reunited after getting their souls back, Valon had noticed that Rafael expressed his anger a lot less than he used to. When questioned about it Rafael just said that he had let go of his anger, but Valon didn't believe it. Rafael had been feeling bitter and angry for years, just like all of them had. One didn't just let that go overnight.

"Look," Rafael said in a tone that Valon was very familiar with, and he instinctively listened to it. This was the tone that Rafael used when he had something that he wanted to talk to Valon about, and he thought it was important that he listen, and it usually was. "Do you remember when I started seeing my therapist?"

Valon couldn't keep himself from rolling his eyes. Rafael seemed so proud that he had started paying a lot of money for someone to talk to him once a week. Valon just didn't understand it.

Rafael smiled slightly when he saw Valon's reaction. "I know you're skeptical, but I know you've noticed how much it's helped me."

Valon frowned. "Yeah," He didn't understand or agree with this stuff, but Rafael did seem genuinely happier now. He was calmer, more content, and much more patient with Valon and Alister's antics, which was saying something, because Valon had thought that he'd had the patience of a saint _before._ But Valon knew that there was a difference between talking to a therapist, and being analyzed by a psychiatrist. "Why aren't we talking to your therapist then?"

"Talking helps," Rafael nodded. "But there's only so much it can do. No matter how often I talk to my therapist, I still feel darkness in my heart, sometimes the feeling is overwhelming. There have been days where I've felt hopeless, like I'll never feel okay again, and there's no point in _anything_ anymore,"

Valon was stunned into silence. He knew about Rafael's past, as the man was completely open to talk about it, but despite this the man rarely ever talked about his own personal feelings. It was almost unnerving to hear.

"That's why I came to this psychiatrist a week ago," Rafael said, which was another thing that Valon hadn't knownRafael could possibly get from talking to a psychiatrist. There wasn't anything wrong with him. "And I was diagnosed with depression."

...Oh.

"How does knowing help you?" Valon asked quietly as he set his feet down. He was still feeling incredibly nervous, and he would rather be anywhere else, but if this diagnosis thing had really helped Rafael then maybe...maybe.

"Now my therapist knows better ways to help me," Rafael said. "I have a better idea of what to expect on my bad days, which means I can better prepare for it. And I now have access to a lot more resources that can help me."

"Yeah, alrigh', Valon couldn't really deny that this might be a good thing for Rafael. "But wha's tha' got ta do with me an' Alister?" Rafael had to have noticed that Valon's accent had thickened, which sometimes happened when he was feeling excited or upset. He didn't mention it though.

"You two are being burdened by your pasts just as much as I am," Rafael said. "And Dartz…" Rafael turned and glowered at the wall as though their old master was sitting right across from them. He looked almost murderous, just like he did whenever anyone so much as mentioned Dartz. "He chose us for a reason. He must have seen the potential darkness in us, and then made us live through what we had to so we would let the darkness in."

"...Yeah, I'm not really following you, mate," Valon admitted. Rafael had told them what Dartz had done, and it was infuriating, but Valon still didn't completely process it. Whenever it was brought up, Valon's mind would go completely blank and he would have the urge to punch the living daylights out of the closest thing to him. He believed Raph, because the man wouldn't lie about something like this, but Valon wasn't able to analyze what it truly meant the way that Raph could.

"I just think this might be good for you two," Rafael said. "And if it's not, we'll figure something else out. But please, just give this a try."

Valon groaned. He hated it when Rafael asked him a favor in this way. It was so hard to say no to him like this. "Alright, fine, we'll do it your way," Valon agreed before he gave Rafael a sharp look. "But if _any _of these doctors even _think _about restraining me in any way-"

"They won't," Rafael said quickly, interrupting Valon's threat, which just took the fun out of everything. "I won't let them," And despite years of insisting to himself that he didn't need anybody else, and it was too risky to even consider the idea that someone else might have his back, Valon trusted Raph. The man was a protector, a guardian. If he said that Valon was safe here, then he would do everything he could to make it so.

"Rafael, it's good to see you again," A man approached them. He was smiling, like the last one was, but at least this guy looked much more sincere, and it seemed he knew Rafael. Raph wasn't the kind of person who was quick to trust people. If Raph thought this guy was okay, then Valon knew he would probably be okay. "And you must be Valon."

"Tha's me," Valon gave the psychiatrist a playful smile that either meant that he was in a good mood, or getting ready to cause some trouble. "We doin' this now?"

"If you're ready," The psychiatrist said simply, like he really wouldn't make Valon talk to him if he didn't feel ready for it, which was a bit of a laugh. Valon didn't want to be here at all, and yet the doctor was already going out of his way to make him feel in control of the situation. That was a laugh.

Valon stood up, just wanting to get this over with. The doctor, whose name Valon didn't remember and didn't care about, lead Valon down the hallway towards where his office was. Before entering into the room behind the psychiatrist, Valon looked back towards Rafael, who was sitting just where he had left him. He was just down the hallway. Close enough to come help at the first sign of trouble.

Valon still didn't want to do this, and he thought it was pointless, but Rafael seemed so sure that it would help. Valon knew that if he got into trouble that his friend would immediately come to help him, so he took a deep breath and entered the room before he could change his mind.

"Please, sit," The psychiatrist gestured to a chair on one side of the desk in the room, while he took a seat in his own chair on the other side. Valon, already feeling confused because he couldn't remember the last time that he'd actually been invited to sit down like equals, took a seat cautiously. He kept his chair pushed back away from the desk, in case he needed to escape in a hurry.

"You seem to have had an exciting life for someone so young," The doctor jumped right into it, and Valon wouldn't have it any other way. He wasn't here to beat around the bush and pretend to be buddies. "You're, what, nineteen?" Valon nodded. "And yet your records say that you were part of a gang and before that you were in a correctional facility." What interesting ways to say 'cult' and 'prison'. The doctor put down the file in his hands, and Valon stared at it like it was going to bite him. Where had the doctor even gotten this information about him? There was no way that Rafael would have told him all _that._

"Yeah, what of it?" Valon glared at the doctor and instinctively crossed his arms defensively, only to flinch and put his hands back on his lap. He hated this. They'd only just started and he was feeling antsy. He needed to do something with his hands. He needed to _hit _something.

The doctor watched him for a moment before he grabbed a small chest next to him. The doctor pushed the chest towards Valon and opened it, showing that it was full of small objects and toys. "Help yourself,"

Valon didn't hesitate before reaching in and pulling out a strangely chubby looking motorcycle that was actually soft and squishy, but still somewhat firm. Valon squeezed it and...yeah, that felt _much _better.

Valon was sure that the doctor had toys on hand for when he dealt with children, but if they were offered to him he wasn't about to deny it. Both of Valon's closest friends relied objects that were commonly seen as children's toys and objects, so he didn't see anything wrong with it. If he wanted to hold on to a squishy motorcycle, and it was offered to him, who could blame him?

Rafael told me how you and your friends ended up with this gang of yours," The doctor said, and he sounded strangely calm about all of this. "Would you mind elaborating on it for me? Tell me your side of the story?"

So he wanted to know how Valon had ended up with Dartz. That was a complicated story, and he wasn't entirely sure where to start. Until recently, Valon had thought that Dartz had only become a part of his life after that island, but after what Raph said…

"I thought I was recruited because I was strong," Valon said. "I was the best duelist on that island, and the only kid who was willing to do what needed to be done."

"And what was that?" The doctor asked. Valon blinked. He hadn't really expected to be asked to elaborate.

Valon was quiet for a moment as he tried to think of how he could explain the situation honestly, like Raph wanted, without mentioning stealing souls, because that would _definitely _get him thrown in the loony bin, regardless of what Raph said. "When we were sent there, they made it clear that only one of us could leave. Survival of the fittest, you know? The others put on a tough act, but their bite couldn't stand up to their bark."

"How do you feel about what you did?" The doctor asked.

"I don't know," Valon shrugged. "I haven't really thought about how I feel about it." For some reason the doctor seemed to find something to make a note of. What could Valon have possibly said that could be noteworthy already? "I guess I don't feel anythin' much. It was a test, I passed it, what's the point of thinkin' about it?"

The doctor raised an eyebrow at him, but didn't press the matter more. "What about before you went to the island? What was it like for you? Did you have any friends, or allies, possibly?"

"In prison?" Now Valon was the one who was raising an eyebrow at the doctor. "Mate, there's no such thing. There are people who are goin' ta stab you in the back, and people who will pretend to be nice just so they can have an easier target."

"And which would you say you were?" The doctor asked casually. Valon was baffled by the question, but soon started laughing. This doctor was definitely something else.

"Can't tell you that," Valon said, and not just because he was in a secretive mood. "I wasn't around the others enough to pick which strategy was the best." Again, there was another note made. What secret messages was this doctor finding?

"Because of your time in solitary?" The doctor looked up at him. Valon froze and tightened his grip on the toy in his hand. If it wasn't so pliable he was sure that he would have broken it already.

"The guards were overreacting," Valon said automatically. He hadn't been the only one in that fight, but he was the only one to be punished the way he had. How was that fair?

"Were you attacked?" The doctor asked. "Provoked?"

"Nah, nothin' like that." Valon said. He was more than happy to talk about the fight, just so long as solitary stayed out of the conversation.

"So what happened?" The doctor asked.

"Why are you askin' if you already know?" Valon gestured to the file on the desk. It probably had all his records in there, including information about the fight. "Some new guy got transferred in, talkin' a big game. He thought he was untouchable, and I wanted to prove him wrong."

"Did you think he was a threat to you?" The doctor asked, and Valon was really getting tired of all these questions. Why was the man looking for justification and reasons?

"Nope," Valon grinned as he remembered the fight with vivid detail. It had been a good one. "I just wanted to have some fun." This time Valon kinda understood why the doctor took a note of this, but he didn't care. Rafael had told him to be honest, so here he was, laying the truth out.

"Do you always find fighting fun?" The doctor asked.

"Oh, sure," Valon said. "Some fights are better than others, but they're exciting. Especially when my opponent puts up a good fight," Valon was still more than happy to punch the living daylights out of someone who just rolled over and took it.

"Do you only like fighting for yourself, or do you also enjoy watching fights?" The doctor asked.

"I like fighting myself," Valon said. "But yeah, I like to watch a good fight too," Valon remembered how much fun it had been to watch that first duel between Mai and Wheeler, up until Mai started freaking out. Fights were a battle of wills, fought with fists. Emotions were a complicated element in fights. Sometimes they added a nice spark and motivation, and lit a fire for the fighter. Other times though they were a distraction, and may cause the person to fight with themselves more than with their enemy. That was what had happened with Mai.

"Have you ever thought of wrestling, or learning martial arts?" The psychiatrist suggested.

"You kiddin'?" Valon scowled, feeling irritated at just the thought. "That fake stuff?" Valon liked fighting because it felt freeing. What was so freeing about having to follow rules when fighting? That defeated the whole point. "I like to play by my own rules."

"Yes, Rafael mentioned that you were a bit of a rebel," The doctor sounded somewhat amused. "But he also said that you enjoy dueling, even though there are rules that you're required to play by. Why is that?"

"Because I can still play my own way," Valon said, like it was obvious. "I don't hate rules for the sake of hating rules. I just don't like being held back. If I can still do things my way while still following the rules, why wouldn't I?"

The doctor chuckled slightly. "You make a good point," The doctor hummed and reached for something in his desk. "Did you bring your deck with you today?"

"Of course," Valon said. He brought it with him everywhere. He wasn't as obsessed with his deck as Rafael was, but it still meant a lot to him. He'd used this same deck, this same strategy, since his time on the island.

"Would you like to have a duel?" The doctor said as he brought out his own deck of cards. "I would be really interested in seeing how you are when you duel."

Valon grinned eagerly, feeling that familiar fire build up in his chest. "You're on, mate, but I want you, I'm not going to hold back."

"I plan on it," The doctor stood up. "I want you to play like you always do." The doctor walked away from his desk, past Valon, and opened the door. "Why don't we take this somewhere a little more roomy."

Valon followed the doctor out of his office. He saw Rafael watching them curiously from down the hall. Valon gave him a smile and held up his deck of cards, indicating what they were doing. For some reason Rafael's brow furrowed. He looked concerned about something. Rafael stood up and approached them. When the doctor began to lead Valon to where they would be dueling, Rafael silently followed them.

"You can wait out here, if you want," The doctor looked at Rafael when they seemed to reach their destination. "I would rather you not watch though. I don't want Valon to change how he duels because he knows you're watching." Valon _never _changed his style of dueling. If he dueled as he always did when Mai was watching, then the same would definitely be true if Rafael was there. But Valon imagined this was one of those things that would be pointless to argue about, so he didn't even try.

Rafael didn't look very happy about this, but he nodded and took a seat in one of the chairs that was right next to the door. Rafael was stiff, almost looking like a snake, ready to strike at a moment's notice. He'd looked the same way back near the doctor's office. Rafael wasn't going to relax because he didn't want to be caught off guard in case he was needed.

Knowing that his friend would help him at the smallest sign of trouble, and looking forward to the duel, Valon easily followed the doctor into the room. It was really spacious. Part of what made the room look so big was the lack of furnishing. There was a table and two chairs in the corner of the room, but that was it. The rest of the room seemed split in half. On one side there was a raised dueling field that looked like the kind that Dartz had created, and the other side was completely empty, safe for a couple of duel disks hanging up on the wall.

Valon whistled. It was an entire room dedicated to dueling, complete with different ways to play. "I'm guessing you lot do a lot of dueling here." Valon said. After all, why else would they have this room?

"We've found that if our patient is a passionate duelist, their playing style can tell us a lot about them," The doctor gestured out to the room. "How would you like to play?"

"Duel disks," Valon said quickly. It made the whole thing feel so much more real. The doctor nodded, like he'd expected this answer, and lead Valon to the duel disks. Valon had never used this generic kind before, and he definitely liked the one that Dartz had provided him with before. Still, beggars can't be choosers, so Valon just equipped himself with the duel disk.

The doctor held out his deck to Valon, who frowned slightly before he accepted it and offered his own. He wasn't used to this whole 'shuffling your opponents deck before a duel' thing, but Rafael had told him that it was a common courtesy in most duels, so he went with it.

Once their decks were shuffled and returned to their respective owners, Valon and the doctor went to opposite sides of the room, facing each other. It was only then that Valon noticed that there was a third person in the room. A really serious looking guy who was watching him cautiously.

Valon tilted his head slightly. "Who are you?"

"Don't mind him," The doctor said. "It is our policy to have a third party supervise any duels that may happen between doctors and patients. He's just there in case he's needed." Valon couldn't imagine why a 'supervisor' was needed, but just so long as the guy didn't get in his way, Valon saw no need to complain.

"Alrighty then," Valon put his deck in his duel disk. He drew his first hand and grinned when he saw that he already had some armor cards. This was going to be too easy. Hopefully the doctor put up a good fight. He looked at the doctor, who had drawn his hand too. "Why don't you go first?" Valon wanted a challenge, so he figured he would give the doctor at least a bit of an advantage.

The duel started, and Valon immediately saw the doctor's strategy. He focused on using magic and trap cards, as well as monsters with high defense. The doctor's only goal was to see what Valon was capable of, and he was going to give that to him.

The first few turns were a little dull, because the doctor wasn't an aggressive duelist, and Valon was trying to get the cards he needed to really get started. Eventually though, he got the last armor card he needed to really get started, and Valon was ready.

Valon smirked. This was where the fun really began. He played his cards, bringing out his armor. Just like always, he put the armor on himself, and this was when Valon realized that this card game was different than what he was used to. The cards may look real, but they were just holograms, not solid. It must have been Dartz' Atlantian magic that made the monsters real.

It felt weird. He _saw _his armor, and it looked like he was wearing it, just like he normally did, but he couldn't feel a thing. It left him feeling a little empty.

Well, regardless of how he felt, he still had a duel to win. At least he could _pretend _that he was about to punch through a monster's defenses, even if his fist wasn't going to hit anything. "Hope your ready for this mate," Valon smiled wickedly as he lunged forward, drawing his fist back, getting ready for the attack. He had his eyes focused completely on the monster in front of him. Just before he could hit it, the monster suddenly disappeared. Before Valon could question it, he felt someone grab his arm. A second later his arm was forced against his chest and he was shoved down to the ground.

Valon's eyes widened. Someone was on top of him. He hadn't been shoved or held down hard enough to knock the wind out of him, or bruise him or anything like that. Valon wasn't worried about getting hurt, but what he was worried about was that whoever was holding him down had trapped his arms under his chest He couldn't move them at all. They were stuck.

Valon stiffened and felt his breath quicken. He needed his arms to be free. He needed to get up. He needed this guy to _get off._

"_No!"_ Valon cried out, and the yell soon turned to a shout, but it wasn't long before it grew into a full on scream. He _hated_ having his arms being held down, but what really messed with Valon's head was that the last time he had been shoved down like this, it was by a prison guard who had shoved him into solitary and forced him into that _thing._

He wouldn't go through that again. He couldn't...he couldn't…

All of a sudden the weight was thrown off of him. Valon rolled over so he was on his back and spread his arms out. Valon took in a deep breath. He was definitely ready to go home. "Are you okay?" A familiar, gentle voice said. Valon turned to see Rafael watching him with concern. The man was kneeling next to him, holding his hand out to him.

"...'m fine," Valon sat up and shook his arms out before taking Rafael's hands. He noticed that his armor wasn't there anymore. It must have disappeared at the same time as the doctor's did.

"Good," Rafael said as he pulled him to his feet. Valon noticed that Rafael was standing directly between him and the guy that the doctor had said would be supervising them. "What happened?"

"I don' know," Valon said honestly. "One second I was movin' in for the attack, and the next this shonky mongrel was attackin' me."

Both the doctor and the man behind Rafael made noises of disagreement, but the blond man quieted them with a glance. "Were you attacking the doctor's life points directly?"

"Nah, he had a monster in front of him," Valon said.

"You...you were just playing the game," The doctor commented in disbelief. Valon turned to look at him in confusion.

"Well, yeah, what else would I be doing?" Valon tilted his head at the doctor.

"Has your play style always been this aggressive?" The doctor asked. "Or did it start on the island when you had to defend yourself?"

"It's always been like this," Valon said. When he was really little, when he'd first started playing duel monsters, there'd been no lifesize holograms or monsters to attack, but Valon could say with confidence that he'd take a hands on approach back then if he could.

The doctor took his hand off of his duel deck, and Valon realized that the doctor had forfeited the game when he'd seen Valon approaching him. He must have thought that Valon had been trying to attack him, which he didn't really understand. Valon may have a reputation of acting with his fists, but that didn't mean that he didn't know how to do anything else.

"Can I ask you one more question?" The doctor asked. "And then we'll be done for now." Valon didn't like the sound of that 'for now'.

"Yeah, shoot, wha's goin' on?" Valon said. He didn't really want to talk anymore, but if he could be done after this, then why not?

"You said that you thought you were brought into the gang because you were strong," The doctor said. "What was the actual reason?"

Rafael stiffened and Valon frowned. "I don't know what he saw in me, but it must have been _something._ He set fire to the only place I ever called home, waited until I was vulnerable, desperate, and stupid enough to trust him."

"Fire...your file says that one thing you were arrested for was arsonry. So you're saying you were framed for that?" The doctor said.

Valon glared slightly at the doctor. This sounded like more than a single question. "Yeah, I guess I was,"

"But you were also arrested because you assaulted and seriously injured four men. Were you framed for that too?" Valon didn't know whether the doctor was mocking him or not. It was really hard to tell.

"Nah, I did that," Valon said unashamedly. "I thought they were the ones who set the fire."

"So it was revenge," The doctor nodded, though there was a strange look in his eyes. Maybe concern, maybe caution, but definitely _something._ "Now that you know they weren't the responsible party, do you feel any guilt or remorse for hurting those innocent men?"

Valon scoffed. "Innocent? Whether they set the fire or not, they're still bounces. They got what they had coming to them."

The doctor was quiet for a second. "I think that's all I need from you right now. I have a few more things to talk to Rafael about, so why don't the three of us go back to my office? You can wait in the hall for your friends to join you."

Valon didn't understand what the doctor could possibly need to talk to Raph about. He'd been here last week, why would they need to talk to him again? But Valon wasn't really going to complain. He had been given an out, and he was going to take it.

"Yeah, sure," Valon said. He took his deck out of the borrowed duel disk. He pocketed his deck, and tossed the disk on the ground. As they made their way back out of the hallway, Rafael kept himself in arms-reach of Valon, just in case.

They made their way back down the hallway. Valon made his way towards the chairs, but paused when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Rafael.

"No matter what happens, no matter what people say, I won't let them take you," Rafael said quietly enough that the doctor wouldn't be able to hear him. Valon froze. "I promise."

"Wh-wait," Valon said just as quietly, because if Rafael felt the need to be quiet, he would follow his example. "What do you mean? What's going to happen?" Valon looked at his friend with wide eyes. Raph just smiled at him and followed the doctor back into his office. "Raph, wait!" But it was too late.

Valon growled and sat on the chair closest to the office door. He was hoping to hear something of what they were talking about, but there was nothing. Valon scowled and glared at the wall. What had Rafael been talking about? Did Raph have an idea of what the doctor might say was wrong with him? So what if he liked to hit people? Was that really enough to make someone think that he had to be sent somewhere?

Valon had just been kidding when he'd brought up the loony bin. Was...was it actually a possibility? What if the doctors convinced Raph that it was necessary, for his own safety.

_What was going on here?_

"You're still here?" Valon looked up to see Alister looking at him. He must be done with his psychiatrist...or maybe like Valon it was justa 'for now' thing.

"Not exactly," Valon said. "A doctor came to talk to me, but he said we're done and is now talkin' to Raph."

Alister frowned. "What would he want to talk to Raph for?"

Valon shrugged, trying to come off as nonchalant, but he was way too stiff and visibly bothered for it to be very convincing. Valon was quiet for a moment, and Alister frowned slightly.

"What happened?" Alister sat down on the chair across from him. "Was it really that bad?"

"I thought it was fine," Valon muttered. "...I think Raph is worried that they might try to take me away,"

Alister's eyes flashed and he leaned forward. "Why would they think that? What do they think is wrong with you?"

Valon flinched. "I don't know," he admitted. "And I hate it,"

Alister's frown deepened. He looked uncomfortable, but determined. "Valon, nothing's going to happen to you. Raph would never let it...and neither would I."

"But what if-" Valon started, but Alister didn't let him get very far. It wasn't unusual for the older man to interrupt him like this.

"_Nothing_ is going to happen to you," Alister said slowly, heavily emphasized all of his words. "And if they try to force our hand, we're not going to give up on you. The three of us stick together, remember?"

"Y-yeah," Valon let out a shaky breath. He felt a little sick. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt this nervous. He wanted to get his mind off of what might happen. "So, what happened with you?" Valon wasn't really expecting an answer. Alister liked to talk about himself, but he was also kinda aloof. He was cautious to open himself up, especially to those that he cared about. Rafael said that Alister was just scared to let himself care about people again, after what happened to his brother. Sometimes Valon thought that Alister just like being a jerk.

Alister looked reluctant, but he sighed and leaned back in his chair, not taking his eyes off of Valon. "We mostly talked about my brother. They had some interest in my...obsession with Kaiba, but everything went back to Mikey."

"It always does," Valon commented quietly. It didn't take a genius to see that Alister had been traumatized about his brother being killed. "Did they tell you you had anything?"

Alister stiffened, and he didn't seem to want to answer, but to Valon's surprise he continued. "Post-traumatic stress disorder,"

"Wait...gettin' stressed after bad things happen is a sickness?" Valon frowned slightly. Wasn't that something that happened to everybody?

"It can be," Alister reached into his jacket and pulled out the ruined Dyna Dude action figure. "If the event stays with you, haunts you. Suddenly it's like your whole life revolves around just a single moment. You can have nightmares when you sleep, flashbacks when you're awake. It's almost like the very memory is putting your mind in a permanent 'fight or flight' state.

Alister's description sounded really familiar. Valon frowned and reached into his pocket and pulled out a single duel monsters card; Cyber Harpie Lady. "That sounds a lot like Mai."

Alister sighed, but Valon couldn't tell if it was because he was feeling annoyed and indifferent, or if it was because he had empathy for Mai now. "From what you've told me, yeah, it does."

Valon couldn't imagine being so plagued by his past. He had seen the way that Mai freaked out sometimes, and how she'd refused his help, and refused to let anyone else get close to her. Was it really because she had this post-traumatic stress disorder, like Alister did? Alister, who hated asking for help, and didn't like to get close to others. And Valon remembered being woken up in the middle of the night multiple times because of Alister's screaming and crying from nightmares...just like Mai.

Valon frowned. "You've been dealing with that this whole time?" How had he not noticed? Actually, no, Valon had noticed, but he'd just chosen not to care. When Mai came along with the exact same problems, Valon had felt so bad for her. He had gone out of his way to try to make her feel better, even though she was practically a stranger and Alister, who he'd known for years, was dealing with the exact same thing, and he hadn't understood, and he hadn't _cared._

Why hadn't he cared?

Alister gave him a small smile. "I've been living with this for years now. By now it's just become normal for me."

"But it's still hurting you," Valon said. Alister may be a lot less angry now, but that didn't mean that his pain was gone.

Alister sighed, looking slightly pained, but in an 'accepting' kind of way. Valon had seen a very similar look on Rafael's face a lot lately. "Yeah, it does, but maybe this will help," So now both Rafael and Alister thought they could get help from this whole diagnosis thing, but Valon wasn't so sure if it would work for him. Those two had to have at least some idea of what had been going on with them, and now it was just being confirmed.

They were finally able to get help with something that had been bothering them for years. Of course they thought it was a good thing. But Valon, he had no idea what was wrong with him. He was still trying to wrap his head around the fact that there _could_ be something wrong.

"Just because me and Raph might find some help from all of this doesn't mean that you have to," Alister said. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do."

They heard the door to the office open. Valon jumped and Alister stood up. Valon was surprised and relieved when Alister walked closer to the door, putting himself between him and the doctor, who had come out of the office.

"Alister, Valon, would you two come join us?" The doctor said nothing about Alister's possessive and protective glare. "We have some things to talk about."

"Le' me guess, some of those things are me?" Valon stood up and glared at the doctor. "Are you finally going to tell me what's wrong with me?"

The doctor gave him a strained smile. "Saying that something is wrong implies that it's something inherently bad, and it's not. Your brain has some complications, but now that we may know what's going on, we can come up with a way to help you."

Valon flinched. "So there _is _something wrong with me."

The doctor stepped back and gestured for them to enter the office. Valon was hesitant, but Alister nudged him gently to get him moving. Valon stiffened and followed the doctor, with Alister coming just behind him.

Rafael was already in there, waiting for them. Rafael looked about as stiff as Valon felt. Alister was the only one of them that seemed to be relaxed, and saying that was stretching it. Valon wanted to hurry and begin talking about whatever the doctor had found about him, but he had one problem. He wasn't sure where he wanted to sit.

The doctor had clearly been prepared to talk to the three of them at once. There had been a couple of chairs around the room, but when Valon had been here only one of them had been in front of the desk. Now another two had been moved there so there was three. Raphael was sitting on the one to the left, leaving the right and the middle.

If Valon sat on the chair to the right, he'd have a pretty easy time getting out if he felt the need to escape. He hated feeling trapped, and being in the middle, having a much harder time getting out, that would be exactly what he would be. But on the other hand, if he was in the middle he would be between both of his friends, and the support was something he felt like he needed right now.

After thinking it through Valon hesitantly sat in the middle chair. Alister had patiently waited for him to make the choice that he was most comfortable with, and now sat next to him. The doctor returned to his spot on the other side of the desk.

"Valon, after talking to you and seeing your dueling style for myself, I had some suspicions. However, for things like this it's best to hear what those close to you may say, which was why I wanted to talk to Rafael."

"If you have a diagnosis, can you just tell us what it is already?" Alister snapped impatiently, crossing his arms. The doctor didn't seem intimidated by Alister. He was incredibly patient.

"I believe that Valon has antisocial personality disorder," The doctor said. Rafael frowned and let out a slow breath. Alister scowled at the doctor before turning and looking at Valon as though it was the first time he'd seen him. Based on their reactions, Valon guessed that this was kinda a big deal, but he didn't entirely understand it.

"I'm not antisocial," Valon said. Sure, he didn't go out of his way to be around people, but he didn't go to ridiculous lengths to avoid them like Alister and Rafael did sometimes.

"Antisocial personality disorder doesn't mean the same thing as antisocial," The doctor said. "It's a mental illness that may be the cause of your violent tendencies. Why you have a lack of concern for your own safety, or the safety of others. And why you show little to no remorse or guilt for things that you've done.

Valon blinked. What the doctor was saying sure sounded like him, but he hadn't thought that it was because of a mental illness. He'd just thought that he did these things because that was who he was.

"You may know antisocial personality disorder by another name," The doctor said helpfully. "Sociopathy,"

The world around Valon seemed to stand still for a long moment. He was...he had..._what?_ This couldn't be happening. It wasn't real. But Rafael and Alister didn't seem surprised, and they weren't speaking up to defend him or anything like that. Did they really think that he had _that?_

Valon swallowed thickly and drew back into his chair as far as he could. "You think I'm a psycho?"

The doctor frowned slightly. "Sociopath," The doctor's tone was stern and insistent. "Not psychopath. There is a difference. We can go over them later, if you want. But yes, I do believe that you have antisocial personality disorder, or sociopathy, whichever you prefer. It may be too early to know for certain though, so I would like for us to do some followup tests at a later date, just so we can be sure."

Valon dreaded coming back and doing things like this all over again, but he was relieved that the doctor said that it wouldn't be today. His head was swimming. He heard what the doctor was saying, but he barely understood half of it. He couldn't focus. It felt a little bit like his soul had been pulled out of his body, and Valon would know the feeling. It wasn't by a lot, just barely enough for it to be noticeable, but it was definitely there.

"So there's a chance that Valon doesn't have it?" Alister asked in a casual tone, which Valon seethed at. How could he make this sound completely normal? _None of this is normal!_

"It's possible that he has symptoms for something else," The doctor nodded. "But from what I've seen and heard, I would say that it's a very real possibility that Valon has antisocial personality disorder, and I want all three of you to keep that in mind."

Valon frowned as a thought came into his mind. "Wait, what have these guys got to do with anything?" Yeah, they were friends, and they were currently all living together and were around each other all the time, but so what? Both Rafael and Alister had been on their own when they were told what was going on with them. Why was this any different?

The doctor gave them all sympathetic looks, and Valon suddenly decided that he hated the guy. He didn't need this doctor to feel sorry for him, or for his friends. "It's not uncommon for relatives and friends of sociopaths to need additional resources and support, as people with problems similar to yours have been known to be aggressive and antagonistic towards those close to them."

"There's therapy just for people who know sociopaths?" Valon raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, as it can be really damaging to be around someone who is always angry, prone to violence, and who doesn't have a high respect for anybody else around them." The doctor said.

Valon smirked. "So, a teenager?" Rafael gave him a cold stare, but Alister coughed a barely concealed snicker, so at least _someone _was amused.

The doctor didn't laugh, but he didn't look annoyed either. "Well, there's a reason why we don't normally diagnose people with antisocial personality disorder until they're over the age of eighteen, and it's best if they begin showing the symptoms by the time they're fifteen." Valon blinked. He hadn't thought that the doctor would give him a serious answer, and one that made sense.

"So, let me get this straight," Alister said. "You think that because Valon's always pushing my buttons, that _I _need to go to therapy?"

"It may help you to know how to better deal with it," The doctor said. "You may be able to come up with strategies to avoid conflict, or at least cope with it in a way that doesn't make Valon more aggressive."

Raph turned to look at Valon and Alister. "If it'll make it so I don't have to referee every conversation they have, then I say it's worth a try." Valon rolled his eyes and Alister huffed and crossed his arms. Both of them appreciated it when Rafael got involved in their arguments before things got out of hand, but neither of them thought that they needed a babysitter just to talk to each other.

"We can come up with a proper plan when you come back next," The doctor made some more notes. And here Valon had thought they were done with taking notes. "Will next week work for the three of you?" Alister looked annoyed about having to come back when Valon was the one that needed help, but the younger man had no sympathy for him. If Valon had to suffer, then at least he wasn't the only one.

"We'll be here," Raph said, and his tone made both Valon and Alister groan in dread. Rafael was going to make sure that they both came, even if he had to drag them here himself.

The doctor stood up and held his hand out towards Rafael, who shook it. "I'll send you the details of what we've talked about today, as well as some resources that you may find useful."

"Thank you for your time and help," Rafael stood up as well. He gave Valon a stern look. Valon knew that he was expecting him to say something, but there was just one thing that Valon wanted to say.

"Can we go home now?" Valon asked. He was anxious to get out of here, _before _he fully processed that he was probably a sociopath. Valon didn't want to be here if he ended up freaking out. He would rather be at home, or even on his motorcycle. Honestly, he just wanted to be away from this place.

Rafael sighed, but he didn't do anything more to encourage Valon to be well behaved and polite. "Yes, we can go now,"

"But we're going straight home," Alister said insistently as he glared at Valon. "We have a _lot _to talk about." Valon grimaced. Hadn't they done enough talking for one day? And why did Alister say it like he was in trouble? Valon had behaved himself today, at least, more than he usually did. What could he possibly be in trouble for?

Valon pouted and glared at everything and everybody as he followed Alister and Rafael out of the office. Valon only calmed down slightly when they were outside the building and Rafael handed him back the keys to his motorcycle.

_Finally!_

Valon practically ran to his motorcycle and hopped on it. He didn't start it right away, but it felt nice to just sit here instead of on the stiff chairs back there. He waited as Alister and Rafael got on their own motorcycles. The three of them rode here together, and they would leave together.

Rafael took the lead, and with a gesture from Alister Valon followed right behind him. Alister brought up the rear. A part of Valon was irritated that Alister had him be in the middle, like the older man was worried that he would ride off if he was left alone for a second. But Valon's relief at being on his bike was stronger than his annoyance and anger.

Valon would have thought that Rafael would lead them straight home, but he took the scenic route instead, which took a whole half hour longer. Rafael didn't love riding as much as Valon did, for him it was just a way to get around. Valon knew that he was doing this for his sake, and he definitely appreciated it.

All too soon though they were pulling up next to their house. Valon sighed and reluctantly got off his motorcycle. He could practically feel Alister glaring at the back of his head, making sure that he actually went inside.

Not that Valon would run now, not now that he was off his bike.

Valon followed Rafael inside the house. If Alister was going to start scolding him Valon knew they would probably start fighting again if Rafael wasn't there to stop them.

Once they were all in the house Valon put his hands on his hips, his default defensive position when he couldn't handle crossing his arms. He turned towards Alister, who looked a little stunned. "What could you possibly want to talk to me about? I haven't even done anything to get you mad...at least, not on purpose."

Alister looked taken aback. "Why would I be mad at you?"

Valon frowned and let his arms drop. That definitely wasn't what he'd expected. Rafael shook his head in exasperation and made his way to the couch in the front room. Valon and Alister silently joined him. Valon lounged on the other side of the couch while Alister sat on a chair.

"He wanted to talk because he's worried about you." Rafael said. Alister, who was still reluctant to talk about his feelings, scowled and glared at the wall. Valon was scowling too, but for another reason.

"Worried about what I might do?" Valon muttered irritably as he glowered at his friends. What, one word from a doctor and they begin acting like he's dangerous and needs to be watched at all times.

"Get over yourself," Alister snapped. "I was worried that you would get caught in your own head about one little word, and it seemed I was right to worry."

Valon's glare softened. He was still upset, and Alister seemed incredibly on edge, but that was normal for him. Maybe it _wasn't_ just because he was worried that Valon might set fire to the house any second now.

Alister sighed. "Look, so you're a sociopath...so what? It doesn't change anything." Valon opened his mouth to argue, but Alister silenced him with a glare. "Do you think that me and Raph are different people now that you know we have PTSD and depression?"

Valon looked at his friends. They were just watching him. "...No." He admitted. "But it's-"

"It's not different," Raph said. "You're still the same person, that shouldn't change just because you've been given another word to describe yourself. If you're a sociopath, it's not just because of today. It's something you've been your whole life."

"And while this word may describe you, it definitely doesn't define you. You're not a sociopath whose name is Valon," Alister said, using a tone that Valon didn't hear very often, but it was one that he really liked. It was Alister's 'big brother' tone. He mostly just used it when he talked about his little brother, but this definitely wasn't the first time that Valon had heard it being directed towards him. "You're Valon, and you just so happen to be a sociopath"

All Alister had done was switch a few words around, but the meaning was completely switched. Valon didn't know how much he believed Alister, or Rafael for that matter, but he definitely wanted to

Maybe someday he would.

**Author's Note:**

> I hadn't originally planned it, but I ended up basing Valon's experience with talking to a psychiatrist and his reaction to his diagnosis on my own experience (I don't have antisocial personality disorder, but I do have a mental illness). It took me some time to actually come to terms with it, to not feel like there's something wrong with me.
> 
> It's kinda strange how hard it is to find information (like, legit information) about antisocial personality disorder. Half the stuff I came across was talking about psychopathy. I tried to do my research, but it's probably really inaccurate. I tried though, I really did. I hope it's at least not insulting, or glamorizing.


End file.
